Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
