when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize