I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
