My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
