are you so shy because you have an std?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
