I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
