I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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