Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Randomize
