Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize