fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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