Your mouth is God's brothel.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
