The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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