I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
