I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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