Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
