did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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