i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
barbara walters just said penis...
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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