You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
