They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize