Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize