I'd wear matching sweaters with you
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
