my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i think my mom watched the whole time
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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