I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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