I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
