I'm so fucking centered right now
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize