Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
