ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
