I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i will never coherently bang her
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
They have beer where we have blood.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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