i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I am midnight drunk by noon
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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