I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
