The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
