Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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