Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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