So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I want to be your penis for a week.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize