Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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