I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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