I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'm too high and old for this...
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
