Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
