Plan B is the new Plan A
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
