Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
