Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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