Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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