Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
