A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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