the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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