I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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