Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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