woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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