wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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