she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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