the new term for farting is butt boxing.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
