omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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