What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
