i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
You need Xanax blowdarts
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
