Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
