I have demons in me.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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