Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just forgot I was standing up.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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