bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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