Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize