im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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