she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
we're so committed to being not committed
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
