my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
this beer tastes like vomit already
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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