I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
