The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
