Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
